always on my mind

maybe i didnt treat you quite as good as i could have
maybe i didnt love you quite as often as i should have
little things i should have said and done
i just never took the time
but you were always on my mind
you were always on my mind

birthdays are odd little things, arent they? well maybe not for everyone, but they are for me. maybe because mine is so close to the start of a new year, i tend to get in a funk. because im funky.
**i promise this will be the last blog for at least a year that references my birthday.**

birthdays and new years cause me to look back on successes and failures of the past year and sometimes they make me want to be better, sometimes they make me want to give up and settle into my funkiness. this past year was fairly awful, if you want to know the truth. without telling you all the sordid details of my life i will just say "it was bad."
i lost some friends, i lost some loved ones, i lost some faith, lost some determination, lost some confidence (in myself and in those around me), i lost some weight - but i found it again- dont worry, i lost a dog, lost a whole bag full of purses - that was weird, just about mostly lost my mind.
im not exactly a glass half full kind of girl, but im planning for this next year to be better. it started off well with a zillion 'happy birthdays' from friends, neighbors and co-workers. i had dinner with my very good friend, and i got to hear from a girlie i truly never expected to hear from again.
we had a long talk (by talk, i mean text) and i cried. not a sad cry, but a thankful cry. shes always on my mind. every day. losing her friendship tore my heart in half. it was good to hear from her and see that all is not lost.

onward and upward, here we go.

quitter

i was talking to one of my girlfriends yesterday (and by 'talking', know that i mean emailing. i dont talk to my friends. ever. so if youre my friend and notice that you havent heard my voice lately, you are not alone.)
she was asking how i was and all, blah blah you know, the way friends do. shes one of those friends who can ask how i am and expect the real answer, and she always knows when the answer i give her isnt the real answer. hence the reason i dont talk to her. she knows me too well. she knew (as some of you do) that i had been fairly committed to working out back in the summer. i told her i quit. its what i do. i start something, then i quit. usually i quit doing the things that are good for me -like exercising. (but people get hurt doing that sort of thing, so maybe its not so good)
im not a smoker, so i havent quit smoking.
not an alcoholic (contrary to some rumors, talk, 'prayer requests' and the like) not much of a drinker at all, so im not a quitter in that regard.
i havent quit coming to work (yet)
i havent quit being married (and have no intention of doing so)
i havent quit wearing black on my birthday
i havent quit feeding my cat (for which she is grateful)

but i did quit exercising. my weight loss and healthy living goals were not realized this year. the plan was to 'get there' by my birthday. eh. not so much.

i also havent quit coffee. i will not. i cannot. it keeps me alive.

rock and roll never forgets

i am grateful for bob seger and all those other rockers who layed such a foundation for rock and roll. even more grateful today as i wait with such anticipation for what tomorrow brings. tomorrow. tis my 32nd birthday. at some point, and im not sure when i began to loathe birthdays. i remember wearing all black on my 20th birthday in protest of the celebration that was sure to follow where ere i'd go. i didnt wear black because i didnt want to get older, or because i was being morbid, i just did not want anyone to mistake me for a happy-go-lucky birthday girl. (as if they would to begin with.)

as a side note, last year some poor chap who didnt know me at all attached the word 'bubbly' to me. as in 'you're bubbly, lets have you do something cute' in the video we were shooting for work. weird-o.

back to bob. i heard this song the other day and thought about how true it was for me at this juncture. (not gonna do it, wouldnt be prudent--thats what i think when i use the word 'juncture')
anyway- replace 31 with 32, and though it doesnt rhyme, you are likely to make the mistake as i did and assume ol bob wrote this song just for me.

so youre a little bit older and a lot less bolder
than you used to be
so you used to shake 'em down
but now you stop and think about your dignity
so now sweet sixteen's turned 31
you get to feelin weary when the work days done
well all you got to do is get up and into your kicks
if youre in a fix
rock and roll never forgets
you better get yourself a partner
go down to the concert or the local bar
check the local newspapers
chances are you wont have to go too far
yeah the rafters will be ringing cause the beats so strong
the crowd will be swaying and singing along
and all you got to do is get in into the mix
if you need a fix
come back baby
rock and roll never forgets
oh the bands still playing it lound and lean
listen to the guitar player makin it scream
all you got to do is just make that scene tonight
heh tonight
well now sweet sixteens turned 31
feel a little tired feeling under the gun
well all chuck's children are out there playin his licks
get into your kicks
come back baby
rock and roll never forgets

see what i mean. i need to go find something black to wear tomorrow. you probably know that with the current contents of my closet finding something black should not be a problem. no, the problem will be finding something black that fits.
thank you for your time

the sound of silence

it has been a long while since the last time i wrote a word on this page. in the recent weeks, i have come to a specific and important understanding of the world around me: i would be just fine in a secluded area. possibly a little cabin in the woods - with all the amenities, naturally.
i like quiet. i like simple. i do not require much, food, shelter, climate control.
people make me crazy.
'stuff' makes me crazy.
my blood pressure makes me crazy.
i have an anxiety problem.
im going to look for my cabin. where its quiet.
--oh .and holidays make me crazy.

sit down youre rockin the boat

often, as i clean, i lament the fact that i am cleaning. sometimes it helps to sing.
one thing you may not know about me is that i am a freelance composer/arranger. now that you know this, please enjoy the following adaptation from 'guys and dolls' -

i dreamed last night i was working in my kitchen, and by some chance my kids were there with me
and there i stood - looking half-way dead and haggard, i heard something that i couldnt quite believe:
my kids both said "sit down. sit down, we'll take care of this---" my kids both said "sit down, sit down we'll take care of this!"
"these chores, they will drag you under - but we will run a tight ship, sit down! sit down! sit down! sit down! sit down, we'll take care of this."

sitting now, with my kids there in my kitchen and there he came, that ol man im married to-
he walked right in taking charge of the situation with words i'll never hear again:
my husband said "relax. relax i'll do every bit---" my husband said "relax. relax i'll do every bit"
"i'll sweep and dust and wash and fold -relax i'll do every bit."

and as i sat, relaxing with my coffee, a great big scream woke me from this dream of mine.
two raggamuffin kids were screaming at each other and my fantasy was left far behind
i heard myself say "stop-stop that and leave her alone!" i heard myself say "stop - stop that and leave her alone"
"you scream and yell and mess and gripe - stop that leave each other alone!"

already gone

what is it with 5 year-olds and teeth? maybe its just my 5 year-old and her teeth. maybe im alone here.
a few adjective that will set the scene for you. they describe my darling daughter.
*dramatic
*excitable
*goosey
*brilliant
*chatty

there has been a wiggly tooth in her mouth for a few weeks now. it really needed to come out, because the new tooth was coming in behind it instead of under it, so shes been working on it daily. (this would be a good time to tell you that i do not pull teeth. i dont want to see them wiggle. i dont want to feel how loose they are getting. i want no part of it.)
wednesday marked the end of the battle of girl vs. tooth. actually, it became bub vs. tooth, which really was the deciding factor. anytime you want to win, especially against a tooth, you want bub on your team. truth be told, the tooth was probably not ready to come out. it took some work. i heard her let out an open-mouthed "auauuahh!" a few times and they had to take several breaks. the solution to all the yelling was that sissy had to hold my hand. that meant that i was close by when the tooth came out with a pop. nasty nasty nasty. anyway, there was blood. blood pretty well freaks her out.
eventually she calmed down and went to sleep.
here was the next problem: shes been coughing so much at night that she doesnt really sleep very well. she started out in her bed. moved to the recliner, woke up coughing, threw up, i held her on the couch, she went back to sleep, i went back to bed. she woke up coughing, slept in her sleeping bag on my floor holding my hand, bub went to work, she got in bed with me. do you see the problem? where does the tooth fairy go? i dont even know where it ended up. bub was in charge of that. it all worked out.
when sissy got up, she celebrated her increased wealth and holey mouth by pictures and/or phone calls to grandparents. the most notable was the call to my dad. he asked what she was going to do with her money, she said she would buy everyone presents, even the cat. she informed papa that she had "pinky-promised jingle that there would be a collar and kitty toys". as the conversation continued, sissy informed her papa that there was a "pond of blood in her mouth".
i probably should have included "descriptive" in the list above.

live out loud

frequently, i hear phrases that stick with me. they confuse, shock, entertain and irritate me. because i am a generous, self-less, giving, kind (insert other desirable attribute here) person, i will share a few with you.

my son says (at 6:30 in the morning) "mom how do they make footballs?"

bub says "you know those trucks that people sell food out of? i think that would be a good gig for you."

that boy again "mom i think you need some of that pro-active solution for your face"
sissy says "no you dont. wait, let me see your face... oh, well, maybe right over here, but the rest is pretty."

my mother, on the day i choose not to wear 4 inch heels "hey, youre short..."
yes. mother. i am.

daddy says "when i build a kitchen for you (referring to a commercial kitchen), what would you like?" i answer, "daddy, you let me design that kitchen and we will all be happy" --- he said ok. (i will keep you posted on that)

sissy: "you are the best mom in the whole world. i never want to be without you." (after our crazy morning yesterday, she still felt this way.)

me: "sissy!! where are you? what are you DOING?" her: "im washing the dishes. youre tired."

baby boy: "i hate my freckles. theyre brown. i hate brown. i dont want it on my face."

sissy, after doing something nice for her auntie "mom, aunt casey says that if i play my cards right, she will do something fun with me. mom, we dont even PLAY cards. what is she talking about?"

ok- this is a long one. it could get confusing, but it will be the last, so bear with me...
i will set it up for you.
i had just recently started my job. i work with my mom. she cant always hear me when i speak.

me: "i wish i didnt like coke so much. sometimes it makes my heart race"
her: "WHAT did you say?"
me: "i wish i didnt like coke so much. sometimes it makes my heart race"
her: "oh! i thought you said you wish you didnt like CURT so much, sometimes he makes your heart race!"

oy.