if i have learned anything in my life its this: things usually dont go the way you plan them. unexpected things happen, you know, 'the best laid plans of mice and men...' , 'but soft, what light from yonder window breaks...', 'et tu Brute?...', all those things that end tragically weren't expected to end tragically. but they did. and we are that much the wiser for it, right?
more often than not, when things dont go the way i plan for them to, i just give up. i was not born with a gene for tenacity. i was not born with a gene for confidence. it doesnt take very much for me to decide to quit (i think i have talked about that before).
sometimes my plans to change the world are met with opposition. ok, all times, my plans to change to world are met with opposition. i often fall on my face and am slow to pick myself back up. i have been falling on my face a lot lately. actually falling. on my face. on the ground. shut up.
im not so slow to pick myself up when i am actually on the ground, i was hopeful that if i got up fast enough no one would notice that i had mud all over myself. i guess its the times when we fall that we should look more closely at the places we are walking and the care with which we take each step so that we can avoid falling in the same place tomorrow.
its an interesting disconnect between getting back up physically and getting back up emotionally - maybe that is because when i am a mess emotionally i figure most people dont see it. it might be more important in those times to make sure i get back up -- instead of taking a little mud bath.
be careful where you place your trust. be careful where you place your feet. its important to know who is holding you up and which path you are on.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
i dreamed a dream
as long as you dont imagine susan broyles singing this song, we should be fine.
ever since i was but a wee tot, i had this entrepreneurial drive. i sold rocks, raked leaves and designed keychains all before i was 10. i should be independantly wealthy, but those ventures were not quite as profitable as i had hoped.
i am now the originator, owner, operator of vintage kitchen. my dear (yet, estranged) friend encouraged me to start catering and cooking treats for other people - i've been at it for about 9 months now and have had a few (ahem) learning experiences - but all in all, its been fantastic.
i always want to be a part of the next big thing - and heres how: my newest plan is this.... a vintage kitchen food truck. any person working would reflect a vintage image and the food would have a 'granny's-in-the-kitchen' feeling. (as long as no one refers to me as 'granny')
what do you think? if i had a food truck, would you follow me from hither to yon? would you eat my food and bring your friends?
there are a few very tall hurdles in my way, one of them has a dollar sign and several figures behind it - but im hopeful. im optimistic. **these are not words i use often**
ever since i was but a wee tot, i had this entrepreneurial drive. i sold rocks, raked leaves and designed keychains all before i was 10. i should be independantly wealthy, but those ventures were not quite as profitable as i had hoped.
i am now the originator, owner, operator of vintage kitchen. my dear (yet, estranged) friend encouraged me to start catering and cooking treats for other people - i've been at it for about 9 months now and have had a few (ahem) learning experiences - but all in all, its been fantastic.
i always want to be a part of the next big thing - and heres how: my newest plan is this.... a vintage kitchen food truck. any person working would reflect a vintage image and the food would have a 'granny's-in-the-kitchen' feeling. (as long as no one refers to me as 'granny')
what do you think? if i had a food truck, would you follow me from hither to yon? would you eat my food and bring your friends?
there are a few very tall hurdles in my way, one of them has a dollar sign and several figures behind it - but im hopeful. im optimistic. **these are not words i use often**
Monday, August 22, 2011
man in the mirror
if you know me well, you know that i am a michael jackson FAN. lyrically, musically, there is no one who even comes close to his artistry.
recently, i have been faced with several... we will call them 'opportunities', to examine the man (ahem. woman) in the mirror and honestly evaluate exactly what i saw.
i cant say that its been easy to work through some of the things i found in myself - the places i fail, the parts of me i hate, the not-so-endearing traits i have recognized. i can trace some of the roots of attributes of my personality to specific places in time, even to specific people.
some days it was hard to look in the mirror, and some days i didnt do it.
i have a strange habit of looking at one part at a time. if i am putting on eye make up, i only look at my eyes. if i am curling my hair, i only look at my hair. i seldom, if ever, look at the whole picture. sometimes i realize later in the day that i forgot one part or another and realize i dont look the way i thought i did.
it can be overwhelming to look at all of my faults and try to fix them all at once, i guess thats reflected in the way i get ready for my day-- looking at one thing at a time.
when i started blogging, i decided that i didnt want to use my blog as a soap-box or as a place to air my grievances - thats part of the reason for my haitus. i didnt have many nice things to say. i wasnt funny. i wasnt uplifting. i wasnt any of the things i hoped to be.
today im a little bit changed. im hoping that i can avoid criticism where there is not also compassion. im hoping that i can start to see my life as an opportunity instead of as a daily struggle.
recently, i have been faced with several... we will call them 'opportunities', to examine the man (ahem. woman) in the mirror and honestly evaluate exactly what i saw.
i cant say that its been easy to work through some of the things i found in myself - the places i fail, the parts of me i hate, the not-so-endearing traits i have recognized. i can trace some of the roots of attributes of my personality to specific places in time, even to specific people.
some days it was hard to look in the mirror, and some days i didnt do it.
i have a strange habit of looking at one part at a time. if i am putting on eye make up, i only look at my eyes. if i am curling my hair, i only look at my hair. i seldom, if ever, look at the whole picture. sometimes i realize later in the day that i forgot one part or another and realize i dont look the way i thought i did.
it can be overwhelming to look at all of my faults and try to fix them all at once, i guess thats reflected in the way i get ready for my day-- looking at one thing at a time.
when i started blogging, i decided that i didnt want to use my blog as a soap-box or as a place to air my grievances - thats part of the reason for my haitus. i didnt have many nice things to say. i wasnt funny. i wasnt uplifting. i wasnt any of the things i hoped to be.
today im a little bit changed. im hoping that i can avoid criticism where there is not also compassion. im hoping that i can start to see my life as an opportunity instead of as a daily struggle.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
people
it has recently come to my attention that though i have a healthy disdain for people in general, there are a select few that i cannot imagine my life without.
last week i had lunch two times with one of my life-long friends and it did me much good. she knows me. she has loved me through every failure, every success, every heart break, every joyful moment --- every one since third grade. as far as i know (and misti, please dont correct me if im wrong) she has not judged or even disliked me. she was a bridesmaid in my wedding, but i wasnt in her wedding because i had a 4-day-old son with me on that day. i didnt mean to time things that way, i promise. i will always be sad that i wasnt standing by her as she repeated her vows. seeing her made me realize that i could, in fact, let down the walls that have been so carefully built over these past several years. those walls have successfully kept people out, and most of the time im glad about that. i guess i just didnt realize how inaccessible i had truly been until i realized how accessible i could be with her - the friend i had trusted with good secrets and bad; the friend who really did know me inside and out. its unfortunate that the short little lunch meeting we had last week was the first time i had seen her at all in the past 2 years. 2 whole years went by - and it seemed like only a few months. i should do better.
i have also become aware of the importance of people who encourage others. it helps when the person doing the encouraging is someone you respect. for example, if you are a writer, its more uplifting to receive encouragment from another writer that you admire. if you are a musician, you will probably be happier to receive kudos from a fellow musician than from a dog catcher. with that in mind, theres this lady -- shes creative, kind, encouraging, steadfast, brilliant, positive--- all the things i wish i could be -- and she is one of the people in my life that i value the most. she wont let me quit. she wont let me slack off. she wont let me be content with where i am. not that she always tells me to keep going or never give up (though she has told me those things more than a few times) -she shows me by the way she is living her life.
when it comes to heroes, these ladies make my list. my life would be incomplete without their role. at times, that role is smaller than others-- but it is never minor.
last week i had lunch two times with one of my life-long friends and it did me much good. she knows me. she has loved me through every failure, every success, every heart break, every joyful moment --- every one since third grade. as far as i know (and misti, please dont correct me if im wrong) she has not judged or even disliked me. she was a bridesmaid in my wedding, but i wasnt in her wedding because i had a 4-day-old son with me on that day. i didnt mean to time things that way, i promise. i will always be sad that i wasnt standing by her as she repeated her vows. seeing her made me realize that i could, in fact, let down the walls that have been so carefully built over these past several years. those walls have successfully kept people out, and most of the time im glad about that. i guess i just didnt realize how inaccessible i had truly been until i realized how accessible i could be with her - the friend i had trusted with good secrets and bad; the friend who really did know me inside and out. its unfortunate that the short little lunch meeting we had last week was the first time i had seen her at all in the past 2 years. 2 whole years went by - and it seemed like only a few months. i should do better.
i have also become aware of the importance of people who encourage others. it helps when the person doing the encouraging is someone you respect. for example, if you are a writer, its more uplifting to receive encouragment from another writer that you admire. if you are a musician, you will probably be happier to receive kudos from a fellow musician than from a dog catcher. with that in mind, theres this lady -- shes creative, kind, encouraging, steadfast, brilliant, positive--- all the things i wish i could be -- and she is one of the people in my life that i value the most. she wont let me quit. she wont let me slack off. she wont let me be content with where i am. not that she always tells me to keep going or never give up (though she has told me those things more than a few times) -she shows me by the way she is living her life.
when it comes to heroes, these ladies make my list. my life would be incomplete without their role. at times, that role is smaller than others-- but it is never minor.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
poisoning pigeons in the park
every spring, i think of this song. i sang it for an audition lots of years ago, and it is very lovely.
it is necessary for you to watch this video. it may change the way you spend your Sunday afternoons.
that is all.
it is necessary for you to watch this video. it may change the way you spend your Sunday afternoons.
that is all.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
its the end of the world as we know it
it seems an odd pick to resume blogging today. the air is heavy and smokey from the wild fires around the state, there is a somber heaviness about, there is a lump in my throat as i begin sorting through these memories... but here i sit.
its april 19. i have been just a little teary since i woke up. its hard to believe that the Oklahoma City Bombing was half a lifetime ago. i remember the sounds and smells and sights of that day as if it happened last week. i remember the fear and uneasiness that followed in the rainy days after that Wednesday. for me, the world changed that day. it wasnt because i lost someone close to me; though so many precious lives were lost. it wasnt because i felt the ground tremble at the time of the explosion; though i will never forget that feeling.
my world changed because, for the first time in my life, evil people were doing terrible things in a place not far from me.
i had watched bombs over Baghdad and Kuwait, but those places were far away and as far as i was concerned, those people were nameless, faceless casualties of war.
the morning of the Oklahoma City Bombing, i was in public speaking class. i was a sophomore in high school. when the ground shook at 9:02, we ran outside to see what had happened, the dense black smoke over downtown was just starting to rise high enough for us to see it. at that time, only a few of the students had cell phones, but those who did were calling family members and friends to make sure their loved ones were safe; several were later called to the office to find out that someone they loved, in fact was not safe or was still missing.
for several days following, every tv in every classroom was on every day in my high school as we watched recovery efforts, man hunts and broken hearted family members. those faces had names; the faces of broken people from my own city are images etched into my memory forever. they were not casualties of war, they were casualties of evil. i didnt have to watch CNN to see the destruction half-way around the world, i just had to drive a few miles down the road to see the gaping hole in the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building.
i dont watch the coverage on tv when they replay news casts remembering the events of april 19, 1995. i have only been to the Oklahoma City Memorial once. most of the time, remembering that day makes me just as sad as it did 16 years ago. some day, i will take my kids there and i will let them know about the lives that were lost and the people who were changed forever, but not any time soon. i hope to limit their knowledge of evil for as long as i can.
to the victims and families of the attack -- we will remember.
its april 19. i have been just a little teary since i woke up. its hard to believe that the Oklahoma City Bombing was half a lifetime ago. i remember the sounds and smells and sights of that day as if it happened last week. i remember the fear and uneasiness that followed in the rainy days after that Wednesday. for me, the world changed that day. it wasnt because i lost someone close to me; though so many precious lives were lost. it wasnt because i felt the ground tremble at the time of the explosion; though i will never forget that feeling.
my world changed because, for the first time in my life, evil people were doing terrible things in a place not far from me.
i had watched bombs over Baghdad and Kuwait, but those places were far away and as far as i was concerned, those people were nameless, faceless casualties of war.
the morning of the Oklahoma City Bombing, i was in public speaking class. i was a sophomore in high school. when the ground shook at 9:02, we ran outside to see what had happened, the dense black smoke over downtown was just starting to rise high enough for us to see it. at that time, only a few of the students had cell phones, but those who did were calling family members and friends to make sure their loved ones were safe; several were later called to the office to find out that someone they loved, in fact was not safe or was still missing.
for several days following, every tv in every classroom was on every day in my high school as we watched recovery efforts, man hunts and broken hearted family members. those faces had names; the faces of broken people from my own city are images etched into my memory forever. they were not casualties of war, they were casualties of evil. i didnt have to watch CNN to see the destruction half-way around the world, i just had to drive a few miles down the road to see the gaping hole in the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building.
i dont watch the coverage on tv when they replay news casts remembering the events of april 19, 1995. i have only been to the Oklahoma City Memorial once. most of the time, remembering that day makes me just as sad as it did 16 years ago. some day, i will take my kids there and i will let them know about the lives that were lost and the people who were changed forever, but not any time soon. i hope to limit their knowledge of evil for as long as i can.
to the victims and families of the attack -- we will remember.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
its still rock and roll to me
my heart belongs to rock and roll. i sing it all day and in most conversations.
well, rock and roll and broadway music, but my kids get a little cranky about andrew lloyd weber, so i stick to aerosmith, led zeppelin and their friends to provide most of the background music these days.
this morning i was singing "whats the matter with the clothes i'm wearing..." (and you will soon know why) so billy joel is my companion for now.
i got dressed in a brown giraffe-print skirt with a green sweater set and a brown belt. i slipped my shoes on and my darling daughter said "uh, that would look better if you wore brown shoes mom" -- (this should be read with as much 6 year-old fashionista attitude you can muster.)
"i AM wearing brown shoes" i informed her, to which she responded "let me get a closer look" she dropped herself down on the ground and put her face 3 inches from my BROWN pumps and conceded. "ok. youre right. i see now that they are brown. thats ok."
as we were leaving the house i noticed something odd. so i mentioned it "baby," i asked her sweetly, with much loving kindness, "do your socks match?" with a little smirk she said "nope." when i asked why, i got this for an answer: "cant i just be silly?" and so she went to school in black mary janes with one white sock and one pink sock. --and i wore brown shoes.
well, rock and roll and broadway music, but my kids get a little cranky about andrew lloyd weber, so i stick to aerosmith, led zeppelin and their friends to provide most of the background music these days.
this morning i was singing "whats the matter with the clothes i'm wearing..." (and you will soon know why) so billy joel is my companion for now.
i got dressed in a brown giraffe-print skirt with a green sweater set and a brown belt. i slipped my shoes on and my darling daughter said "uh, that would look better if you wore brown shoes mom" -- (this should be read with as much 6 year-old fashionista attitude you can muster.)
"i AM wearing brown shoes" i informed her, to which she responded "let me get a closer look" she dropped herself down on the ground and put her face 3 inches from my BROWN pumps and conceded. "ok. youre right. i see now that they are brown. thats ok."
as we were leaving the house i noticed something odd. so i mentioned it "baby," i asked her sweetly, with much loving kindness, "do your socks match?" with a little smirk she said "nope." when i asked why, i got this for an answer: "cant i just be silly?" and so she went to school in black mary janes with one white sock and one pink sock. --and i wore brown shoes.
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