welcome to my life. i will sing to you. i will cry to you. i will write to you.

Monday, October 17, 2011


its funny, as my kids get older, to see the ways their personalities develop.  this past weekend i was evidently feeling nostalgic, because everything i saw made me think of the kids growing up so fast.  last night i saw my son's black dress shoes sitting by the door.  even though they are so small compared to his daddy's shoes next to them, they looked big all of the sudden.  i was folding clothes and thinking about those tiny infant-sized clothes i once folded.  i remember being amazed at the way one small child could exponentially increase my laundry volume each day! 
i guess the kids pick up phrases and behaviors from things they see on tv and at school.  i have noticed some interesting dance moves from my daughter and strange words coming from my sons mouth. i dont understand these things. my daughter does some strange dance with her eyes closed and her arms waving in the air while she says in a slow voice "i give you monkey needs".  i have no idea what that means, but its entertaining. my son thinks hes a break dance king. ...and, well, he is.
along with the hilarity of these strange skills comes the infuriating sass of early childhood.  the kids were playing outside the other day and they waned to take a quilt with them to make a tent. i told them no, i didnt want a quilt to get muddy.  my darling daughter replied "you'll regret that." WHAT!?! really? "YOU might regret that!" --- i wanted to say.  i told her not to talk to me like that, she said 'yes ma'am' and went on with her day. later, when i sought advice from a friend, she suggested that i ask my kids what they think those words mean.  why didnt i think of that? my daughter might not have even known what those words meant when she said them. (or maybe she did) this 'raising kids' gig really takes a lot of learning on my part.
last night in church, my daughter was drawing. her dad and i told her to stop, and she said 'no'.  because i was the closest to her, i put my 'hand of correction' firmly on her leg to let her know that i meant business. for a minute, she tried to pull my hand away and scoot over out of my reach. i didnt move. i may have held on tighter. after a few minutes of resistance, she put her paper and pen down, held my hand (instead of trying to take it away) and snuggled up close to me.
it made me wonder how many times i had done the same thing in my life.

Monday, September 12, 2011

i cant know what i dont know

when my daughter got home from school last week, she asked me what 9/11 was.

i never planned on explaining terrorism or why so many people died or how our lives were changed forever. 
we decided that we would let the kids watch some of the news reports remembering the attacks on America and do our best to answer any questions they had.  there were things we didnt have answers for.  there were emotions i did not expect to experience as i re-lived that day.
we tried to emphasize the heroic acts of the passengers on the planes, the first responders and the civilians in the buildings.  we tried to emphasize the merciful acts of God in the midst of tragedy.  im sure that the whole thing was overwhelming for my kids' minds to take in. it is too much for me. 
i am grateful for our military, for our leaders, for our fire fighters, for our police officers, for our EMSA workers. im thankful for our flag - for what it means when it is raised in victory and waved in defiance.
 <<A Psalm of David.>> The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell.
Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident.
One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to inquire in his temple.
For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock.

  Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where yshall I flee from your presence?
8 zIf I ascend to heaven, you are there!
aIf I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9 If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall blead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, c“Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
12 deven the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

the best medicine

i am happy to state that i received 543 text messages today all from the same person. they all said the same thing: 'i hate you'. though i was encouraged by these words, i was also a little flustered and wondered who would send this to me. there are a few, maybe 3, people who i think could possibly hate me - they tend to hold a grudge, judge and eat fudge. (i dont have proof about the fudge part, but it seems logical). ~but i dont think the texts were from any of those people. if this had happened 10 or so days ago, i might have been so overwhelmingly upset that i would have had to leave work and locked myself in my room for the rest of the day. --i just tell things they way they are, folks. its all i can do.
i often tell people that i refuse to be fake. with me, what you see is what you get.
well, that isnt always entirely true. being completely real means being very vulnerable. im a little to guarded these days to be all that vulnerable - but i still want to be real-ish.
my life-long fight against anxiety and depression is something that i really dont talk too much about, but something that is a very... well... real part of who i am. sometimes i look for things -other than meds - that might help. sometimes i dont have the energy to look very hard.
i have considered changing my diet in hopes that if i eat better i will feel better, and i may still do that, but im a cook, yall. i cook. thats what cooks do. ~and i like to cook things that im good at cooking, new styles and diets are not something i am really keen on trying. like vegan. or vegetarian. i like to eat steak. i like to eat pastries. they are good for me.
i have considered exercising, but people get hurt doing that. sprained ankles and strained hamstrings are not so much my cup-a-tea either. so i will walk my dog. but not every day. lets not get out of control here.
i have decided that sometimes, laughter really is the best medicine.
so lets talk about that:
my husband was teasing me about something the other day and i said "shoot. why you always gotta be hatin' on me?" he said, "i wasnt hatin on you", to which my daughter replied, "yes you were, dad. youre always hatin' on mom." ~its good to have her on my side.
in a related story,
this morning, my son came in to wake me up and i said "oh hi! good morning baby boy!" and he happily answered "good morning baby momma" ~ and that was that.
so, what you can learn from my children is that my kids' dad is hatin on my son's baby momma.
...and so is some mystery texter from the 405.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

are you ready for some football

this is very likely the first, last and only post about football you will ever see on my blog.
and i guess its not exactly about football anyway. more about food. and nostalgia. and fashion.

college football started this weekend. our days were planned around it (and im sure they will continue to be for the rest of the season). there were whoops and hollers (not hollers like in kentucky or west virgina. hollers of cheering or jeering).
there were texts and phone calls.
there was red and there was black. (wreck 'em)
there was cheese dip and there were chips.
i cannot survive through the fall and winter months of football and basketball without my mom's nachos. however, because my mom was out of town enjoying a cozy drive through a tropical storm with my brother who was trying to kill her, i had to fix my own stinking nachos. brothers. ugh.
this delightful game-day dish is one of my favorite things on earth. my mom has fixed these for at least 100 of our closest friends and relatives. theyre complicated, so get ready:

1 whole block of velveeta
1 can rotel
1 lb sausage
--brown the sausage, rinse, drain. add rotel. add velveeta. melt. serve over corn chips and top with anything you want. we use sour cream, diced tomatoes, black olives and jalapenos. and we are very happy no matter who wins the game. (well. i am anyway.)

now we have covered the food and the nostalgia, heres the fashion comment: oregons black uniforms freak me out.
the end.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

crazy train

i have a few thoughts to share today and there is no possibility that i can successfully segue one to the next. just hang on and enjoy the ride.

1. Etiquette. you know, when you go bowling, how it bothers you to have strangers in the lane right next to you? i have never seen a bowling alley that had every lane in use at the same time, so as often as it is possible, there should be at least one 'buffer lane' between each group. its just the way things should be done.
the same is true about public restrooms. well it is. (yes, it may be ironic that this particular item is titled 'etiquette' and i am writing about bathroom stalls. its ok. you can skip this one if you want). say, for example, there are four stalls:
if you are the only person who is 'otherwise occupied' you should choose any of these stalls except the second. why? because if you choose the second stall, the next person who has to 'see a man about a horse' is required by the above stated etiquette to use the fourth -- and almost always handicapped accessible-- stall in order to maintain the buffer rule. and that "person" may have short legs which do not reach the floor. just be considerate, folks.

2. Lyrical language. yesterday, my ever-adoring husband sent the following text: "i only wanna be with you" to which i cleverly replied: "aint bobby so cool" --- which totally confused him.
you might find it helpful to know that i am always listening to background music and you cant hear it. only i can hear it. additionally, i often think in lyrics and have been known, from time to time to pray in lyrics. (which is perfectly acceptable, if you were wondering. ask King David)
i may skillfully spout off some seemingly nonsensical verse that catches you totally off guard. do not be alarmed. just see if you can figure out what song it goes to. its a fun little game i like to play - its most fun when you (as the opposing team) dont know we're playing. i win.

3. Biblical Names. this is a recap of the conversations at my house last night. they do appear in order of occurance.
(as i'm telling my son good night)
"momma, daddy is teaching me about idiot. is he a good guy or a bad guy in the Bible?"
i was very confused, but i figured i would be on the safe side, so i said "hes a good guy. a strong man of God."
this satisfied my darling son (who, in a surprising turn of events, drifted right off to sleep)
upon entering the living room, my husband told me, "i decided to read separate stories from the Bible to the kids. i am teaching Grace about Esther and teaching Avery about Gideon."
OOOHHH. Gideon. not Idiot. at least my answer was right.

4. Type-o's
when i type "yahoo mail" it often comes out "yahoo amil" because i have this East Indian friend named Amil and he really needs encouragement...

Monday, August 29, 2011

momma said there'd be days like this

if i have learned anything in my life its this: things usually dont go the way you plan them. unexpected things happen, you know, 'the best laid plans of mice and men...' , 'but soft, what light from yonder window breaks...', 'et tu Brute?...', all those things that end tragically weren't expected to end tragically. but they did. and we are that much the wiser for it, right?

more often than not, when things dont go the way i plan for them to, i just give up. i was not born with a gene for tenacity. i was not born with a gene for confidence. it doesnt take very much for me to decide to quit (i think i have talked about that before).

sometimes my plans to change the world are met with opposition. ok, all times, my plans to change to world are met with opposition. i often fall on my face and am slow to pick myself back up. i have been falling on my face a lot lately. actually falling. on my face. on the ground. shut up.

im not so slow to pick myself up when i am actually on the ground, i was hopeful that if i got up fast enough no one would notice that i had mud all over myself. i guess its the times when we fall that we should look more closely at the places we are walking and the care with which we take each step so that we can avoid falling in the same place tomorrow.

its an interesting disconnect between getting back up physically and getting back up emotionally - maybe that is because when i am a mess emotionally i figure most people dont see it. it might be more important in those times to make sure i get back up -- instead of taking a little mud bath.

be careful where you place your trust. be careful where you place your feet. its important to know who is holding you up and which path you are on.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

i dreamed a dream

as long as you dont imagine susan broyles singing this song, we should be fine.

ever since i was but a wee tot, i had this entrepreneurial drive. i sold rocks, raked leaves and designed keychains all before i was 10. i should be independantly wealthy, but those ventures were not quite as profitable as i had hoped.
i am now the originator, owner, operator of vintage kitchen. my dear (yet, estranged) friend encouraged me to start catering and cooking treats for other people - i've been at it for about 9 months now and have had a few (ahem) learning experiences - but all in all, its been fantastic.
i always want to be a part of the next big thing - and heres how: my newest plan is this.... a vintage kitchen food truck. any person working would reflect a vintage image and the food would have a 'granny's-in-the-kitchen' feeling. (as long as no one refers to me as 'granny')
what do you think? if i had a food truck, would you follow me from hither to yon? would you eat my food and bring your friends?
there are a few very tall hurdles in my way, one of them has a dollar sign and several figures behind it - but im hopeful. im optimistic. **these are not words i use often**